I have reached a mid-life crisis. Okay, I’m kidding. Obviously,
I’m not having a mid-life crisis because I am definitely not in my late
thirties/early forties. Point is, I have reached a point in my life where I am
having a little bit of a crisis. And I’m trying my darnest not to get upset
about it even though it would be easier just to break down and cry about it.
The last time I let something like this get to me I ended up with about six
months of depression that just ate me up inside. I felt so worthless all the
time, and I remember telling my mom that I just wanted to go to sleep and never
wake up.
But that’s another story for another time.
The problem at hand is the fact that I am still single. I
went through my ENTIRE middle and high school without having been in a
relationship, much less had my first kiss. I can’t help but feel embarrassed
about it. Did I do something wrong? Is there something wrong with me? Granted, I am very quiet but I find myself to
be a fairly attractive young woman, and I have a great personality. I know this for a fact because every person that truly knows me loves me to death.
However, I can say that any guy that ever tried to get to know me I have selfishly pushed away. (And for that I am truly and deeply sorry.) It is really hard for me to open up to people, and I have a hard time understanding how anyone could love me when more often than not, I have a hard time loving myself (especially during the periods of my life where I have been depressed).
But it's not just that. Most of the people that are closest to me are in relationships. For example, my friend Jordan (who I've known for twelve or thirteen years and is practically family) is in a long-distance relationship. My own brother, who is—dare I say it—younger than me, is now in a relationship as well and even told me how awesome it was to be in a relationship. I'm honestly happy for him, but it is hard not to be jealous, especially when it seems he it all: he's confident, is part of the 'popular' group at school, runs on the cross country team, makes all A's without having to put in much effort, has a girlfriend... the list goes on.
Right now, I just feel so hopeless. I'm forever alone, and I'm destined to be a cat-lady. I think I should go ahead and plan on getting like five kittens when I move out of my parents' house. I already own one cat, what's five more?
However, I can say that any guy that ever tried to get to know me I have selfishly pushed away. (And for that I am truly and deeply sorry.) It is really hard for me to open up to people, and I have a hard time understanding how anyone could love me when more often than not, I have a hard time loving myself (especially during the periods of my life where I have been depressed).
But it's not just that. Most of the people that are closest to me are in relationships. For example, my friend Jordan (who I've known for twelve or thirteen years and is practically family) is in a long-distance relationship. My own brother, who is—dare I say it—younger than me, is now in a relationship as well and even told me how awesome it was to be in a relationship. I'm honestly happy for him, but it is hard not to be jealous, especially when it seems he it all: he's confident, is part of the 'popular' group at school, runs on the cross country team, makes all A's without having to put in much effort, has a girlfriend... the list goes on.
Right now, I just feel so hopeless. I'm forever alone, and I'm destined to be a cat-lady. I think I should go ahead and plan on getting like five kittens when I move out of my parents' house. I already own one cat, what's five more?
Savannah
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